Tuesday, 19 November 2013

Home with a view

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” 
― Rodney Dangerfield

Can a house change your life?

We moved house at the end of September so this question has been on my mind.

I'd like to think not, that change comes from within.

And yet, I feel our new house just might.

Possibly only because there is no more running.  No more hiding.  
I am here and not going anywhere.

Wherever you go, you bring yourself with you.

And yet, this house does have a special feeling about it.  Good vibrations.
It is the same physical size as our last house, internally, but it allows us to live more spaciously and freely.
And look at that view - not bad in a city of half a million people in the crowded Southeast.
Packing up the old house with Nanny and Grandad
It took us a long time to find. We pulled out of two houses before this one.
On the day we came to see this I had just suffered my third miscarriage in ten months.  It was a particularly hard one as it was a missed miscarriage and I had seen the heartbeat and had strong symptoms.

I haven't posted about this.  It's a huge step to even mention it now.

When I walked into this house, it felt calm and safe.  It was on a quiet hill with views of trees and cows. Yet it was not in an area we had seriously considered, being only a few miles away on the other side of town, but further from the sea.

Sad things happen, but if you are lucky, they can make you laser in on what matters.
Silence, temporarily, the pointless internal chatter. They can also make it impossible for you to use your old coping strategies.  Bring things to crisis point.

Both things happened in my case.

I knew with clarity that I needed a place to breathe out.  A sanctuary.
This house was right.
We decided we would pay the asking price.  We felt that certain.  Although in the end thankfully we didn't have to.
Painting the new dining room
In the end it was a big rush to get in, despite the fact that ironically we had been trying to move for over a year.  It was hugely stressful, and we are still surrounded by some boxes.  A 98 year old woman lived here, so it is very shabby and we have lots to do.

There are downland walks a few minutes walk from our door.
We have no neighbours on three sides, so I can sing at the top of my voice.
We can expand.

We have three apple trees, and there has been lots of tree climbing, eating and juicing.

There have been lots of grim bits to sort.
Yep, come to my blog for some homespun beauty, I'll sort you right out.
There has been a certain amount of relaxing.  Only after the original frenzy almost killed me though.

A woman in work asked whether this is what we liked?  A project?
A great question to which I don't have the answer.
We don't have to make things so difficult for ourselves. Yet we chose this. And see the positives.

But while I ponder this question, and what the answer might mean to me, I'll leave you with a picture of Bay, spinning around, in her new twirling skirt, dizzily showing us her new dance. 

For in the end this is what home is all about.  It is not about the house, its cold damaged old tiles, its stunning views. It is the people in it. This was clear, when despite our fears, we did not miss our old lovely house, where we started as a family together.  

Not one bit.

But not just the people. It is about whether we are able to dance together.  And whether we are free to dance alone. 

Here, I think we can dance.


amanda said...

Loved seeing these photos and having a glimpse into your new-to-you home! I think there is a lot of possibility here, so much potential. Room to stretch and sing loudly are just bonuses :)

sparklingbay said...

Thank you for commenting and seeing the potential. Not everyone would y'know. Singing loudly is brilliant, but I never knew before coming here how much I was holding back!

Elen Agasiants said...

What a beautiful post Rachel! Your house sounds perfect exactly because of how it makes you feel. So glad you all feel happy there and don't miss your other house. Sounds like a beginning of a new, more free life - it is healing on its own. Looking forward to seeing you soon. Ex

sparklingbay said...

Thanks Elen, I love it x

Rachel @TaoOfPoop said...

It is a beautiful house. And a beautiful post. It is true that you take yourself with you wherever you go, but there's also something to be said for change. I hope you find many moments to dance there!

sparklingbay said...

Thank you. I think we can change, I feel changed already.

Cordelia Sipper said...

OMG!!!! It's beautiful! Really! Wow. How much fun you are going to have. Congrats, friend!


Amanda Riley said...

oh my gosh, that view! all that GREEN outside those windows and all that lovely light flooding in....... wow. no doubt your project list is long, but that just means you get to make it yours just as you'd like. takes time, for sure, but ah well. tiles schmiles. I am so sorry that you've had such a hard time trying for another little one~ and three times in such a short time, I'm sure that must be incredibly discouraging and frustrating to say the least. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage around 12 weeks, when I thought for sure I was in the clear and then... not. I read your poem, Oriane, all those months back and was left quite touched by it, close to certain this was what it was about, but not wanting to assume and comment as though it were...... it is achingly, hauntingly, beautiful- that poem. love from across the pond, and a big congrats on the new place~

sparklingbay said...

Thanks so much Amanda. So sorry to hear about your mc (I know all the lingo now). I know I would have found it much harder if I didn't already have a child. In lots of ways she is more than enough.

sparklingbay said...

Thanks Cory, I knew you'd see beyond the messes.

Melissa said...

Oh, goodness, I knew I had fallen way behind, but I have missed so much here in your space! I'm thrilled to get a glimpse, more than a month later, of your beautiful home. I see the projects, but mostly I see the light, the green, and your twirling girl, and this seems perfect. So glad to hear you feel so comfortable there.

So much love to you as you heal, too. I know several weeks have passed now, but I'm sure that does not erase your loss. I'm glad you feel you can process in your new space. xoxo

sparklingbay said...

Thanks, I appreciate your words so much. Several months have passed - things are different now and it does help being here for sure. x