That's what you're really like

Eleanor Roosevelt

Work is hard going at the moment.  It's not the friendliest of places. But it's made me see something very fundamental about my worldview. This is a bit hard to write, but I want to be authentic, to share something dark about myself. To shine the light on it. I fear that it may be a problem shared with others, perhaps particularly women.

I have this habit,if someone is rude to me, or just unfriendly, of thinking oh so, that's what you're really like. And worse, thinking that how they treated me is because of what I'm really like. Oh, so that's what I'm really like.  
Somehow not up to scratch.

And I've at last come to the clearest realisation of what I am doing here.

I am letting the supposed evidence of their deep flaws to allow me to assassinate their entire character. To falsify their small kindnesses, their sudden smiles. Alienating myself from them. To complete the poisonous circle, I am assuming that I have done something, or am someone, who deserves this treatment.  I'm letting myself unpick the loose stitches of the self-esteem I knit myself so carefully and haltingly.  Unravelling it so surely there will be nothing left but a tangled mess.

It's a dark world view isn't it? That the minute someone's smile slips, it reveals their true unsmiling self. Whose cold eyes peer into and through me, disliking what they see. And who would blame them, as after all, why would I be worthy of good regard?

Time to shine the light on all this, and get a clearer picture.

So what are you really like?
You are not your behaviour.
You are sometimes  distracted or rushed and can't engage with me.
You have prejudices, we all do, due to your situation and experiences, not because you are a bad person.
You're doing the best you can right now.
You have flaws
I accept them.
And your smile transforms the world.


And what about me? 
What am I really like?
I am worthy. 
I am not responsible for other people's behaviour or opinions.
I have flaws.  
I accept them.
I am not inferior.
The world is a better place because I am here.