The Long Game: Part One

"Disobedience is not an issue if obedience is not the goal"  - Daron Quinlan


This is Part 1 of a pair of posts.  The first post details what I think are the consequences of authoritarian parenting.  In Part 2 I'll describe what I've decided to do instead. I've read and thought about this a lot and particularly love Teacher Tom's wonderful and experienced writing on this area e.g. Giving Away My Power and Honest and Genuine.

We try not to force you to do things or use punishment and rewards around here.  Not even the "naughty step".  

Never.


I don't want you to be a child who obeys authority without question.  

Children like that can grow up to think that bigger is better.  That "might is right". That the thoughts, feelings and opinions of those in authority, or those with power and money, are worth more than their own. 

Life and ring a ring a rosie, the only games worth playing

I want you to do the "right" thing because you think it's the right thing, not because you will be punished if you don't, or rewarded if you do.  

I want to help you to understand what you are doing and why you are doing it. For you to be emotionally literate and aware of the consequences of your behaviour for others. But also to be someone who realises that your own feelings and thoughts count just as much as those of others. I want you to be able to withstand peer pressure, be assertive and forge your own path. Feel genuine remorse when you have "done someone wrong" rather than rattle off a meaningless 'sorry" because someone made you, or because of social convention. I want you to do the right thing even if no-one is looking or when there is "nothing in it for you".  


I feel it is my job as a parent to guide you along this slow hard path of understanding.  It's harder than the results-driven fix of obedience, and that's for sure. And believe me, I am not a patient person and have my doubts like everyone else about whether I am getting it right.  But so far I find this way much more enjoyable and rewarding.

Sow the seeds.  Wait patiently for the sunflowers to bloom.

To me, the punishment/reward model of discipline is just not rational or logical. Say, the action is a child hits someone and your reaction is that you hit them as a punishment, or make them sit on a "naughty step".  The first reaction (hitting them) models the exact type of behaviour you don't want them to display.  The second ("naughty step") is not connected to their action in any way and does not teach them anything about why you should not hit another person or direct their attention to the effect their behaviour has had on others.  It is teaching them not to hit because they will go on the naughty step, not because it hurts another. In all likelihood the child on the "naughty" step is not thinking about why their action was wrong, but is instead feeling confused, resentful, oppressed or simply bored. This method completely lacks authenticity too.  A real reaction to such a situation might be to ensure the other child is ok (thereby modelling empathy) and pointing out to your child that you shouldn't hit because it hurt the other child. Some people may use a combination of both explaining and punishment , but I would question what exact purpose the punishment is playing.

You might wonder what the big deal is.  Is there really a problem with being an obedient child?  After all, doesn't everyone have to obey teachers or employers?  It's the model recommended by childcare "experts" and super nanny types.  It is so engrained in our society and I know I for one would probably not have really questioned it so deeply had I not come across some wonderful writing on the subject.  Its many fans will often argue that it works. Quickly.  

Well, sure, but it will also backfire.  Big style. 

Here's the big deal.

Obedient people often:-

• think might is right
• bow to authority through fear, not conviction
• feel resentful and repressed
• easily fall prey to peer pressure and are often rebellious teens
• know their place - which is below the powerful
• are easily pushed around
• allow others to make their decisions
• don't question the status quo
• are easily swayed by media, advertising and political parties
• lack empathy for themselves and others
• have low self-esteem
• have stifled creativity and curiosity

I don't think the alternative to the authoritarian style is a pipe dream or overly idealistic.  But it won't come overnight.  You have to focus on the process. It is a long game.  But the only one worth playing.  


Love Mam x